Memphis Y'all: Two Months Midsouth

Five Ways to Look Fantastic Naked | June 19, 2010

No one seems to be able to keep their AC working. It’s hotter than ever in Memphis. We’re young. We’re fun. Why not go topless? Why not go bottomless? Why not just go naked? Maybe it’s been a while since you’ve checked beneath the circus big-top to see what your fine hills and valleys are looking like, with these tips you’ll be ready to go au natural like you being paid for it.

1) Paint yourself black. It’s slimming. Consider taking one from nature: zebra stripes, Dalmatian spots, Holstein cow patches.

2) Flattering furniture. When your recliner is two-stories tall you look tiny. Utilize a wide screen television, a wide load truck and an overstuffed love-sac to lounge upon.

3) Let your body hair grow. Not only may you be able to cover you unmentionables with your luscious locks, your hairy situation will carry eyes away from your less toned tummy, arms or buttocks area.

4) Get an offensive tattoo. Try “I **** your ex” or “**** is a real jerk” or “I was Clinton’s first wife.” As long as people are looking at your trashy tat you’re looking good. Hey girl, take a walk on the wild side. Don’t forget that you can tattoo your junk, which is good because if you need to hide it you can put it in the trunk.

5) Pepper spray in the eyes. When you feel like your brain is on fire everyone looks good.

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